Having stabilised my PC I’ve managed to delve back into my timeline of women of the North Rhine to stabilise and bring together every copy of each file together- to make sure I have the best copies. It’s been so inspiring. But I’m in a mixed state right now and it means I’ve just hit the wall and my brain is saying nope. Take my mouse hand. It’s hot from inflammation to the point I’m now having to rest it.

My infusions and chemDMARDs means I’m susceptible to infections from bog standard bugs in the air. The tiniest nick next to my thumbnail has resulted in hypergranulation and it’s a real risk for infections. I think I’ve managed to knock it back but it’s still drawing a lot of inflammatory and anti-inflammatory molecules to the site and the associated molecules to break down and rebuild. So on the way they’re possibly latching on to markers in my hand.

So taken together when I hit that wall it means I can’t go over it. It’s been popping up quite fast. But on the flip side my tendons and petichiae (capillaritis?) have settled. These had such a profound impact on my health from the obvious (tearing both Achilles meant it took much longer to recover and I kept feeling the same ping from neighbouring fibres breaking under the strain) to the secondary (I needed fairly high doses of steroids for both and while we followed best practice it still messed with cortisol and blood pressure.)

But I’m finally able to walk properly. My hypermobility is back like ridiculously so. Sitting in second on the floor and I can get my head to the floor easy- but I’m back to almost getting my chest to the floor. I can lie down the outside of each leg too- which means my right side is now balanced with my left more.

These are all positives right now and for my future.

But I can’t go back in time to tell myself to not push through. Sadly the fibro Dx means I don’t get trusted that I can tell the difference between the various ways my nerves send incorrect messages and an injury. Oh you can tell. But it also can’t conjure the tell tale bruises. I had assumed the bruises on my calves were just Ye Olde Hypermobility Probably EDS making it easy to bruise from just interacting with the environment. Catching one appear after the last ping was quite the message I needed.

Basically I can’t risk surgery, especially the kind that drills into bone- very high risk of osteomylitis. But I can bounce back from deconditioning- already happening. I might have gone a few weeks over the point it was truly safe but that’s also the only way to make sure it is safe. So I would like to pat my past self on the back for at least sticking to my guns about not pushing my tendon recovery.