A few days ago I went through and changed my theme, changed plugins, reinstalled pages.. and finally found the snippet of code I had to put in for a security badge that was making the front page load so slowly. A few days later I fell into a big depressive hole. Lots of little things I never really addressed at the time built up and I felt miserable. I did something a bit silly, and don’t feel I can really roll back to before it. Well i have sort of put in a plan.
One of the things mulled over since is that I think I have contributed to this by always minimising myself to others, in person. This space is where I feel free to sort of brag as I’m not making anyone stay here, or forcing them to listen out of politeness. But one on one I fall into old habits and say “not a problem” or “no big deal” when in fact it often is- what I mean is “I think you are worth it.” How we talk about ourselves to others is picked up on as how we want to be spoken about. For a lot of us who often have self doubt this winds up a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. As humans we mirror each other to a degree.
There is a lot more to it obviously, but this is a big part of it. And a really big part of why we introverts have to change our own patterns of thought and presentation so that we don’t here back what we really don’t want to hear.
It doesn’t require boasting, it doesn’t require even acknowledging effort expanded. All it takes is to reply to what is usually a thank you. “You’re welcome.”
Radical idea, of course. But that sort of prevent us from making sure people say what we dread.
So I’m trying to take charge of the things I can, and see where there are community opportunities. In sharing my frustrations I got some feedback that others were feeling the same. Some of it was similar, some was not, but all reflect that there are communication gaps, some assumptions that are the opposite of intended.
There is room for a bit of a cheer squad for a lot of us who have been around for yonks and perhaps dip under the radar as collectively we try to support and encourage new people. We cannot undermine that, that is how we all learn and gain courage.
After a while a few people stick to the memory immediately and some of us feel like after thoughts. Whatever the intent, whatever we mean, this is true. I’m not totally sure what an answer is. Most of the things I think of are what I can do as a person, but like with accessibility I think this needs to be a change at community level. How to maintain visibility for all.
Also even those of us who feel under the radar can contribute to that same feeling in others just by being quiet due to feeling out of sorts.
The other part is that over the years I lost visibility because of losing my old domain name (should have kept it as well as this one really) and then having my site compromised. It all happened at a time where I was busy and now that I have time it feels like turning over very old ground over and over to try and get some semblance of that history back up.
So back to adjusting themes- I think this current one works well for being able to create articles as well as my blog, and my site is pretty easy to search or use tags on. So there feels like there is enough stability to do all this work and not worry about it all disappearing again.
I do really really really need to get fantastic photos of my gear (and self, it’s been hard to get flattering portraits this last year for a variety of reasons.) Not just okay ones, not passing by. And hoping to have been caught on camera at some stage. That has added to the frustration. I can get some reasonable ones by framing and setting my camera up on a tripod at least. It takes about an hour to get into each frock, so that means a heck of a lot of time and effort. But it’s time to do it.
I also hate editing, not the process but because I’m used to not being allowed to filter or remove under eye circles or fix squinting or stray hairs. But darnit, I will.